Vanilla Ice, Baby - the Sunflower Kind

I am well-known for my love of sunflowers. When I found out there is a Vanilla Ice variety, of course I had to try to grow it. Ever since I seeded them though, I have been chuckling at the name because of the rapper Vanilla Ice and his song Ice Ice Baby. So, I decided to adapt his lyrics somewhat to write my very own Vanilla Ice Sunflower Rap.

Vanilla Ice, baby
all right, stop
collaborate and listen
sunflowers are in with a brand new invention
Vanilla Ice grabs a hold of me tightly
and I had to sow some daily, not nightly
will it grow?
Yo, I don't know
Don't turn off the sun so the seeds can grow
to the extreme would be 7 feet tall
weather lit up up with storms, that wasn't cool.

Sprout
rush through the earth despite the gloom
don't let the heavy rains kill like a poisonous mushroom
deadly when thunder plays awful melody
anything less than success is a felony
love it, don't leave it
you better gain way
you better hit bulls eye
this mom doesn't play
If there's a problem, yo I solve it
check out the seedlings while the sun revolves it

Vanilla Ice Ice baby

Now that the party is jumping
with the winds kicked in and the rains a'pumping
quick to the point, to the point no faking
the lightning is cooking the ground like bacon
burning them if they're not quick and nimble
I go crazy when I look out the window
they're supposed to grow at least 4 feet tall
when on a roll they can go to 7
less is good too
as long as the wind doesn't blow them over

I'm on stand by
ready to say hi
don't stop
No, I'll wait
Keep on hoping they'll grow
Don't bust to the right or left
grow up straight and not slow
so continue as the weather clears
six inch blooms is what they're supposed to have
eight to ten inch spread
and seven weeks until they bloom
hugely prolific so the packet says
long-flowering helianthus annuus they're called
blooms in color from delicate cream
to soft yellow or off white
low-maintenance annual don't let me down

If there is a problem yo I solve it
check out the growth as the sun revolves it

Vanilla Ice Ice Baby
word from the mother
I love Vanilla Ice (sunflowers)
Ice Ice baby
don't be too cold to grow
that's a wrap with a w
word to your flower

Harnessing the Princess

No, this is not about restraining Kate Middleton's breasts. I don't think she is a princess yet anyway. This is about trying to train Princess Gracie, my cat (now there is a real princess!) to use a harness in preparation for a long journey.

Now, I've had plenty of cats in my life and they always wore collars, but Gracie was the exception. I had one on her, until she caught her jaw in it while grooming herself. I know to not keep the collar too loose, but she is very flexible, too flexible at times, it seems. It was a bad experience, I was lucky that I saw it and that she let me help her out of it. Since then I have not forced her to wear one.

Anyway, with the long trip looming a friend suggested a harness. It arrived today and I had done some research prior on how to get a cat used to it. The advice given was to place the harness next to the cat's sleeping place for a few days, I guess so kitty can get used to it.

Well, the Princess would have none of that. She attacked it, put it in her mouth and tried killing it. When she was about to drag the thing under the bed, never to be retrieved by me, I snatched it just in time. Obviously, this was not going to do.

It was close to her dinner time, and that gave me an idea. Whenever I get her dish ready, she jumps on the bathroom sink, while I give it a final cleaning, and supervises. So, since nothing deters her from that, I used that time to put the harness on. The package said "one size fits all," so I was not concerned. There was lots of room on the neck and I snapped it in place and adjusted. So far so good. Now the second part, to affix it behind the front legs. Well, I had to adjust the buckle to the maximum girth ... Yes, Gracie definitely needs more exercise.

I gave Gracie her dinner, but she started rolling on the floor, trying to get the harness off, despite my continued efforts to soothe her. I knew from my research this was supposed to be expected. She ate a little bit, but then she started freaking out, biting at the harness. Then she ran under the bed.

It was obvious she did not trust me anymore. Remembering the incident where she got her jaw caught, I was trying to coax her out from under the bed. I did not want her unsupervised. I finally got her out, then she hid under the chair. I tossed some toys, and finally she started playing. I removed the harness and she went back to her normal self. We lasted a whole 15 minutes, if that.

Regardless, tomorrow I will have to put it on again, as I need her harnessed so I can put a leash on her. Articles also suggest using treats for rewards, but I try to leave them as a last resort. After all, one size fits all does have its limits, in a cat's world as much as the human world, and it would not do for her to outgrow the harness before we can even use it. And we haven't even gotten to the leash part yet ...

You Might be a Facebook Addict if:

10. You type www into your browser, Facebook.com pops up.

9.  You click on your browser's history and Facebook is the top website.

8. You panic when you go on Facebook in the morning when it takes you to your sign-in screen as you never log out and forgot your password, it's been so long.

7. You can't remember your significant other's phone number, but you know everything that has been posted on his or her wall.

6. You don't like thunderstorms because you are afraid they will take down power/Internet where you can't get on Facebook.

5. You have met people in person after having talked to them on Facebook.

4. You tell everyone that your kids ignored your friend requests.

3. You write a blog about spending too much time on Facebook.

2. You come up with a list titled "You know you spend too much time on Facebook if:"

1. You read this and nod, giggle, or promote this post.

Dummies Guide to Understanding Advertising Lingo

Since commercials are in overdrive for the holidays and especially annoying this year, I have put together a little translation guide.
"Up to 90% off."
Translation: "There will be one item 90% off that was marked up 9 times what it's worth. The rest of the items will be 10% off, but you will still pay 8 times more than what it's worth, leaving us with big profits."
"Clinically proven."
Translation: "The FDA (or the manufacturer) paid us to say this."
"Buy one, get one free."
Translation: "We doubled the price of one item."
"New and improved."
Translation: "We changed the packaging."
"Improved formula."
Translation:"Our old product was crap and we only changed it to jump on a bandwagon."
"This offer won't last long."
Translation: "We say this every week. If you believe this, you are an idiot, but we'll take your money gladly."
"Buy now, pay later."
Translation: "You will die before you can pay this off."
"You asked, we listened: If we do not show up on time, we will credit $20 to your account."
Translation: "We ignored your complaints about our poor customer service for as long as we could. Now, instead of paying our staff more money and treating them better, so they stop giving you bad customer service, we take that extra money to create this big campaign and then pay you the $20 that should be spent towards giving employees raises."

There is English, and Then There is English

When I first moved to the U.S.A., I was not too worried about the language. While English is not my native tongue, I studied it from 5th grade on. However, once I got here people laughed at me and found me hard to understand. To them, the proper English I had learned in school in my home country sounded like I was talking with my nose clogged up. To me, they sounded like they were talking around a wad of chewing gum.

However, after a while I adjusted my words to sound just like them and all was good with the world – until I chose to visit the adjoining neighbor, Canada. That is when I learned that Canadians put tyres on their cars instead of tires. There is even a popular store chain called Canadian Tyre.

At first, I thought someone had made a mistake putting up the sign. I was even more confused when my friend brought me inside and I saw everything for sale, except for tires – or tyres. Furthermore, in Canada you do not appear in court, but in front of the Crown. What makes it even more confusing is that the Crown wears a wig, instead of the other way around, eh.

Years later, I moved from the northern part of the country to the southern part of the United States. On my first day at work there, my supervisor opened a drawer and told me to put my pocketbook in there. I was confused. In my head, I translated pocket and book. Wearing a dress, I had no pockets and I certainly was not carrying a book around.

Since the only thing I was carrying was a large shoulder bag, I tentatively put it in the drawer. This seemed to satisfy her, so I made a mental note that pocketbook means purse. My poor six-year old daughter did not fare much better. During her first trip to the convenience store with her father, they asked for pop. She was confused as the clerk tried to sell her ice cream.

After some word wrangling they figured out that pop up north was soda in the south. Well, not all over the south. I found out later that in the Deep South all soda pop is called Coke. Luckily, I have never been to one of those states to order a cold drink. How can you order a Pepsi or a Sprite when all carbonated drinks are called Coke?

I also found out that evening meals up north were called dinner, but in the south are called supper, while lunch takes place before 2pm (in both places). However, often at work my mealtime would not be until after 2 pm, but was still called lunch even if I was eating dinner, or supper – depending if it was before my move or after.

I was fine, until I was talking to a friend on Facebook who is on from England. He told me he was having tea, and I proudly announced I knew that that was supper. He said not really, it was dinner. So, the proper definition would be that dinner is a meal between 2 and 5 pm, while supper is between 7 and 11 pm. Except for England of course. I thought I had him when I asked him what if they had tea with their tea. Well, that is double tea time of course! Taking a deep breath I asked if dessert was called the same over there. No, that was pudding for the common folk and only the rich had dessert. In America pudding is a snack, not a dessert, but I was not going to go there.

By that time I felt like I was in the Abbett and Costello skit about who’s on first. But, a Scottish friend entered the discussion and we somehow got talking about drinking whiskey. I asked him if he Scottish whiskey was Scotch and he said no. He said that Scotch was a brand of whisky, but called whiskey in the States. By then, I really could have used some.

We proceeded to talk about music and my English friend said they were selling things, including music, out of car boots. I figured that boots are trunks in the US and said that over here we wear boots. He said that is fine, because over there, in England, they wear trunks. But, bootlegs aren’t named that way because they come out of car trunks (or boots), but because they used to be recorded via players inside of boots, the apparel.

I would say I have come full circle with English, but have not been to Australia yet. Oh crikey.

My Take on the FB Changes

It’s Hump Day and we have been officially screwed - by FB. Depending on time zone, we either were stricken right after Midnight by the horrible Newsfeed Curse or awakened to it. What’s more, some people tried avoiding it by switching to UK settings, or even countries like Germany, but it eventually got there too. To quote my friend Saoirse O’Mara: Looks like they weren’t satisfied to just anger America, but had to take it world wide. Well, it sounded better when she said it in German.

Even those normally refraining from abusive language could not help themselves and launched into a few choice words on their status updates, usually preceded by an apology for using such language. That just shows the depth of emotion and anger this whole change evoked. Of course, the question arises: Why would the people behind this, or, as my friend Mac Pike calls them, the hoody-wearing juvenile blankety-blanks, do this?

Here are my theories (tongue firmly in cheek):

1. It is a secret plot to bring productivity to a stand still. Since many freelancers use FB as a networking tool, they have to spend hours and hours unsubscribing friends to reduce the feed jumble.

2. FB is too overworked, and wants to drive users away, so they’ll have less to do.

3. FB is too overworked and wants to reduce users by banning people for using inappropriate language, hence created an event that prompted said outbursts.

4. Revenge: It is to make those who have a lot of friends, which used to be a sign of popularity, reduce them to losers by removing friends. Passive-aggressive tactics, baby!

5. It is to crash slower computers that can’t keep up with the constant scrolling, so people will have to upgrade.

6. Because they can.

7. ... or, as Saoirse O'Mara pointed out, spies from Google+ hacked FB to drive traffic to their site.