Dummies Guide to Understanding Advertising Lingo

Since commercials are in overdrive for the holidays and especially annoying this year, I have put together a little translation guide.
"Up to 90% off."
Translation: "There will be one item 90% off that was marked up 9 times what it's worth. The rest of the items will be 10% off, but you will still pay 8 times more than what it's worth, leaving us with big profits."
"Clinically proven."
Translation: "The FDA (or the manufacturer) paid us to say this."
"Buy one, get one free."
Translation: "We doubled the price of one item."
"New and improved."
Translation: "We changed the packaging."
"Improved formula."
Translation:"Our old product was crap and we only changed it to jump on a bandwagon."
"This offer won't last long."
Translation: "We say this every week. If you believe this, you are an idiot, but we'll take your money gladly."
"Buy now, pay later."
Translation: "You will die before you can pay this off."
"You asked, we listened: If we do not show up on time, we will credit $20 to your account."
Translation: "We ignored your complaints about our poor customer service for as long as we could. Now, instead of paying our staff more money and treating them better, so they stop giving you bad customer service, we take that extra money to create this big campaign and then pay you the $20 that should be spent towards giving employees raises."